Looking for a Disguise

Here is episode 4 – I’m still entertaining title suggestions. I’ve decided against “The Halls of Valhalla”.

I can still hear them. “Hey de-Merit!” and “Yo Biddy!” The nicknames followed me to high school. Demerit and Biddy were tolerable. It was when the in crowd started with the “I bet your middle name is Va-jay-jay” and the more cerebral group’s insult of “I guess it isn’t over until she sings” complete with finger pointing that got to me. I was never a physically violent person but I can totally understand why some kids went postal in high school. As for me, I internalized my anger. My freshman year I was able to eat again and put on about 40 pounds. That only made the taunts worse. By my junior year I was verging on anorexia. Funny thing was that the teasing didn’t stop it just changed from fat shaming to thin shaming. My mother in collusion with the psychologist managed to get me to give up the poncho and the baggy clothes, which had changed from camo to Goth black. My first day wearing skinny jeans and a trendy top resulted in silence until the harpies figured out who I was. Then it redoubled. I felt naked without my disguise. The first thing I did when I got home was dig through the laundry in an attempt to find my old clothes. They weren’t there. I eventually checked the garbage but all I could find was the poncho. The only reason it was still there was that it got stuck to the bottom in some nasty residual goo. I opted to leave it.

6 thoughts on “Looking for a Disguise

    1. So do I! I had some in the late 1960s and I still have a couple (but not from when I was a kid). The retro look is back. I’m hoping they pass on bringing back platform clogs – those things were dangerous!


  1. My mom decided I wasn’t allowed to eat my stepdad’s food. For a while, I ate ice cream and cookie dough. Then I got a job.

    I used to do laps around my city on my bicycle. I’m surprised I didn’t die of a heart-attack. The kids in HS were rude to me, saying I was a bum and needed a job so that I could have a car like them. I had to support my family because my stepdad, our breadwinner, had an aneurism.

    My mother kept punishing me due to her guilt.

    I hated most of the people I went to school with. They were immature, freaks of nature. I wasn’t unpopular so much as invisible in the halls. I played soccer, which elevated my position, but like I said, I had to quit and work two jobs so that my parents had gas money and my siblings had food to eat.

    She still has never said, “Thank you.”


    1. Wow. It seems somehow I have tapped into your life experiences… Merit ends up on the archery team. I’ve future posted clear until April so this story is nearly finished I truly hope your life is better than how Merit’s ends up!


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