Looking for Positive Vibrations

This is nearly (next to last) the end of the “Looking Back” story. Here is episode 30 as we look forward and back.

I’ve decided to travel light. I’m not taking my diplomas or this journal. Mostly I’m taking some basic toiletries, some very carefully selected clothes, and the cash I’ve squirreled away. I opted not to take any books since they take up too much space and would weigh me down. I’ll be sad to leave them behind. I sent copies of my novel to 12 publishers. For good measure I sent a copy to my sister and brother. I imagine they will not enjoy reading it. I sent a copy to the lawyer in charge of my trust fund. He might be more amused.

I’ve been having trouble sleeping again and the dreams are starting to upset me. The funny thing is that the dreams aren’t really dreams as much as rehashing memories. I always end up crouched behind a sofa listening to my mother talk on the phone. She’s complaining about the cost of my activities. She whines that it is so expensive for ballet lessons and then she complains that it takes so much time for the art classes. She gripes about the cost for a psychologist and new clothes and even the orthodontia.

My agenda is simple – I want to revisit places that held happy memories and cement them in my mind. Then I plan on visiting some new places and soaking up additional positive vibrations. As much as the psychologist thinks it would be beneficial to face my past, I disagree. The past is done. I’m moving forward and letting the old memories be just that, memories.

Looking at a Bad Scalp Condition

The warmer weather has loosened all the petals from the blooms on the trees. It is as if the trees all have a really bad case of dandruff. I can imagine them shaking their heads and then brushing the petals off their shoulders. As it is I end up with petals in my hair as I walk beneath the row of flowering plums. After the last rain, the sidewalk was covered in white petals…

The way the dandruff flies
With every shake it falls
White showers from the skies
Springtime’s many flaws

With every shake it falls
Drifting on the wind
Springtime’s many flaws
Dainty petals descend

Drifting on the wind
On my shoulders land
Dainty petals descend
Flakes brushed away by hand

On my shoulders land
Dislodged and scattered ‘round
Flakes brushed away by hand
End up on the ground

Dislodged and scattered around
A passing phase will change
End up on the ground
All the trees have mange

A passing phase will change
The way the dandruff flies
All the trees have mange
White showers from the skies

This is a Pantoum, a Malaysian poetry form, consisting of interlocking stanzas of 4 lines. The 2nd and 4th line of the beginning stanza become the 1st and 3rd lines of the next stanza. There are no limits to the number of stanzas. The poem can be completed with a single rhyming couplet or use the 1st and 3rd lines of the first stanza as the 2nd and 4th lines of the last stanza. The lines should rhyme (1st/3rd and 2nd/4th) but there is no specific meter. Some modern Pantoums do not use rhyme…

Looking for My Groove

I had my appointment with my Wellness Coach last week. She is a down to earth woman with a warm heart. She is easy to talk to. Her purpose is to hold me accountable as I work to achieve my fitness goals. Currently my goals are to increase my physical activity (thus the Fitbit™ to track exercise and steps), maintain my weight (I record everything I eat in myfitnesspal), and to reduce my stress levels (daily meditations and better sleep habits).

As soon as I find a groove some event occurs that levers me out of said groove. Case in point: During Lent and right up to Easter I was reading a wonderful daily devotional. It had everything I wanted and sometimes needed – scripture, meditation, and a call to action. I actually went through it twice. Since then I’ve been looking for a replacement to no avail. In fact some of the materials I’ve found have been so inappropriate that I’ve had to ditch them. I signed up for one online meditation that turned out to be geared specifically for men – so much so that I didn’t relate to it at all! Another one ended up being anti-Catholic so I didn’t finish that one either. It is starting to stress me out. It would be easier to just forget about it. (I’m not a quitter.)

Sinking to my knees
Quicksand seeps into my shoes
I grab at the rope

Then there is the issue of sleep. I have been going to bed and sleeping like the dead. But I’ve had to get up earlier than usual and I’ve been going to bed later than usual. All that means I’m getting on average 5.5 hours of sleep a night. To function at maximum capacity I need a solid 6.5 hours with at least 1 hour of deep sleep. It wasn’t happening. Now that I’m on vacation I’m resetting the sleep cycle. I’m hoping I can get that groove back!

Quicksand shines at night
Stand still to slow the sinking
Search the dark for help

Now that the weather is really starting to warm up, I need to get outside for more physical activity. I’ve met my fitness goals easily the last couple of weeks (exercising indoors at home) and if possible I’d like to exceed them (at least while on vacation). The current goal is to have 30 minutes of fat burning activity daily. This means I need to get my heart rate above 100 beats per minute (bpm). However that is more easily said than done. My resting heart rate is hovering at 60 bpm. When I’m walking it shoots up to about 85 – 90 bpm. To get it to over 100 I have to do extraordinary things – scream while I walk, or wave my arms like a windmill or punch the air, or even march and pretend to be Godzilla stomping on villages. In short I have to do things that would make people conclude that I’m a lunatic. Which is why I’ve been walking within the confines of my home.

Call for assistance
Swim for the edge in quicksand
Slowly sink deeper

This is a Haibun which is a Japanese form which incorporates prose and Haiku. The idea is to use the Haiku to create a subtle relationship with the prose where things are not stated directly but rather through allusion and metaphor resulting in ambiguity to encourage the reader’s imagination. The prose can be on any topic but traditionally are about travel.

Looking for Closure

Episode 29 of “looking Back” is below for your reading pleasure.

It is starting to look green outside. The weather has turned balmy. I’d like to visit my hometown. Nostalgia is a strange thing. My psychologist believes that I need to make connections with others and especially with my family. She told me that a visit would provide me with “some context and closure for my unresolved feelings of estrangement”. I’m not sure if she really believes that or if she just likes to hear herself talk. She also assumes that my family will come to me. Not that they’ve made any effort recently. I think they are sulking because I won’t give up my share of the family home. If I were to go visiting, my sister would be the last person I’d willingly go see. Now my brother might be someone I’d consider looking up. But the point is really moot, since they have no desire to see me. One of my neighbors vacated their apartment last week. I’m thinking of moving out as well. But that is all it is, thinking, for now. I will finish my online class next week and should have the official diploma within 10 days after that. It really is too bad you can’t learn to fly a plane through an online university. All this thinking about the future is just a diversion to prevent me from dwelling on the past. Having memories is a plus and a minus. I remember that first car I bought. It was a real rust bucket. It was a Chevy Vega which was basically a skateboard with an engine. It cost me $350 and was 17 years old with 190,000 miles on it. It lasted two years before the floorboard rusted through and the engine cracked. The nice thing was the scrap yard paid me $350 for it. Basically I paid for gas and oil. That car didn’t have a lot going for it. The seats were duct taped and the steering pulled to the right. It was a fight to keep it on the road. On the other hand it got me where I wanted to go, when I wanted to go. There was no waiting for a bus or hailing a taxi. I miss that car more than I miss my brother or sister and loads more than my parents.

Looking for Serenity

Today was supposed to be the first day of my vacation but it was hijacked by several work commitments. However, I’m packed and ready to travel. My plan is to relax. Chill. Meditate while the road and the miles unwind taking me further and further from home. And in that initial severing of the tether, I hope to be lifted into the sweet ether of serenity. Yes I’m waxing poetical.

Smooth as glass water
Exhale the negative
Release the anxiety
Enter the pool
Naked and silent
Inhale before sinking
The surface swallows
You smile

This is a little acrostic poem for your contemplation. I’m guilty of having a hard time turning off my worry and getting my thoughts off the hamster wheel. At least sometimes that is the case. Now vacation is a whole other story! I will be required to have my phone on and to be reachable for emergency consultations but I do not intend to handle any “day to day” business. It will either have to wait or be addressed by someone else. Besides, I’ll be traveling without any expectation of internet connectivity or secure connections to work. Isn’t it wonderful when you are staying at hotels in the middle of Nowhere, USA that have such slow internet that it is all but impossible to perform work functions?! Hehe! If asked I can honestly say that the internet was unreliable.

Looking for a Favorite Quote

This is my final post for the Quote Challenge. The rules are simple:
1. Thank the person who nominated you.
A big thank-you and a shout out to swtspontaneous for the nomination. Go check out the site and leave a nice comment (you might even feel compelled to follow!)

2. Post a quote each day for three consecutive days.
“It is, as you know, very, very rude and usually unnecessary to use profanity.”
― Lemony Snicket, The Reptile Room
I must give off some sort of straight laced vibe. People try not to curse in front of me. It has been happening to me for as long as I can remember. When I was in high school, standing in the lunch line, a girl behind me was agitated and began using words that now days wouldn’t cause anyone to even blink. When she realized I was in line ahead of her she apologized profusely for her language. Before finishing her rant she clapped her hands over my ears! I always understood that resorting to vulgar language was lazy and a sign of a small vocabulary and a smaller mind! Calling some one an F-ing F-er may get your point across but it doesn’t elevate you. I would much rather state that they were as appealing as a decomposing otter and as attractive as gastric reflux followed by eructation and as intelligent as an equestrian rectum. Of course most don’t get all that especially if it is spoken (without the benefit of accompanying text), which causes me a little mirth which must be suppressed…

3. Nominate 3 people each day.
I won’t be heart broken if you don’t do this but I’d really like to see what you all post!
ShaunGordon.co
Tom’s Treasure
iampeacenow

Looking Quotable

As I explained yesterday, I was nominated to participate in the Quote Challenge.
The rules of the challenge are as follows:
1. Thank the person who nominated you.
2. Post a quote each day for three consecutive days.
3. Nominate three bloggers each day to do the same.
I accept the challenge!

A big thank-you and a shout out to swtspontaneous for the nomination. Go check out the site and leave a nice comment (you might even feel compelled to follow!)

My quote is as follows:
“Oftentimes, when people are miserable, they will want to make other people miserable, too. But it never helps.”
― Lemony Snicket, The Wide Window

This is of course a take on the old saying that misery loves company. Making everyone around you unhappy never cheers you up and only results in everyone having a miserable time! And it is so very true that it is not only unhelpful but is a sure way to drive away acquaintances, friends and even family. I have had some really horrible days at work and when I returned home I just wanted to isolate my self to limit the contagion of negativity. Some folks turn to drink or drugs. Others seek comfort in food. My preferred escape is between the covers of a good book.

Now the difficult part – to nominate 3 more people! As they say in the Pokemon universe “I choose you!”
stephensmustang1
Sim’s Jollies & Jaunts
sagemntmom

Looking for a Quote

In a surprising turn of events, I was nominated to participate in the Quote Challenge.
The rules of the challenge are as follows:
1. Thank the person who nominated you.
2. Post a quote each day for three consecutive days.
3. Nominate three bloggers each day to do the same.
This reminds me of the heyday of Xanga where there were multiple games, challenges, contests and mayhem going on at all times. It was a wonderful time. I accept the challenge!

A big thank-you and a shout out to swtspontaneous for the nomination. Go check out this site and leave a nice comment (you might even feel compelled to follow!)

My quote is as follows:
“Reading is one form of escape. Running for your life is another.” – Lemony Snicket A Series of Unfortunate Events.
As is my modus operandi I want to give you an explanation and some insight to the reason for selecting this quote. First I’ve been binge watching the TV show “A Series of Unfortunate Events” and although at first I was just curious, I find that I’m now completely enthralled with the story! Secondly I can seriously relate to this quote. As a child I spent countless hours immersed in a book and living in the far away and imaginary worlds contained therein. As an adult I find that the joy of escaping into another dimension is still available but the reality of the adult world limits my time to escape. It is also much more likely that I’ll have to “take to my heels” if I want to avoid the very real unpleasantness of adult consequences. And even then I’m not as swift as I used to be! I suppose I have a well developed “fight or flight” response. Unfortunately sometimes you just can’t outrun that falling piano!

As for my nominations, well, I suppose I’ll give it a try. I nominate YOU (this is not the same as a falling piano – really it isn’t):
righteousbruin9
The Runaway Writer
Alittletea3

Looking to Travel

We are nearing the end of this story – episode 28 is here for your reading pleasure!

Have I mentioned that I’m bored? It has been several years since I’ve traveled anywhere and I’m thinking I need to get away. Maybe I should plan a vacation of sorts. But that’s the problem, I suffer from inertia. Not a single psychologist or psychiatrist has ever made a diagnosis of boredom or inertia. That makes me question their competence. Anyway, if I were to leave I don’t know where I’d go. Really, I’ve been to so many states and cities both big and small that I can’t imagine an interesting destination. The only place I haven’t been is overseas but that kind of travel is rather problematic. I don’t have a passport. My favorite mode of travel is by bus. It gets you there with the options of taking in the scenery, sleeping, reading, or deep thinking. You just can’t do that if you are the driver, at least not if you want to arrive at your destination in one piece. Some of my best ideas came while riding the charter bus in college. I whiled away some time last week looking up National Parks. There are still some around that don’t charge entrance fees. It was on my bucket list to visit all the National Parks. I had to put that one on hold. I am almost finished with my novel so as soon as I submit it to every publisher on the planet I’ll be able to check that one off. I’ve already checked off a bunch from the list – hot air balloon, petting a lion, swimming in each of the Great Lakes, and New Year’s Eve in Times Square. There are several items on my bucket list that haven’t happened yet. I still want to change my name for one. I’d like to have a pet parrot – one that I could teach to talk. And I want to learn how to fly a plane. Not that anything is really holding me back from doing those things except my own dislike of change. If I decide to take a trip it will be a very deliberate act with lots of pre-planning. I’m not as spontaneous as some people think.

Looking at Mother’s Day

Mother’s Day. Some people do not have a good relationship with their mother. I am lucky that my mother is all kinds of smart and kind and she loves me and I love her. I like to think that my sons are glad I’m their mother. We come from a place of acceptance and caring and all the things that the rest of the world uses to gauge “normal”. Sadly, when looking at FB posts we are in a minority. For Mother’s Day I went out to lunch with Sons # 1 & 2. We made a stop at Goodwill to drop off the stuff that didn’t get into the garage sale. I had wanted to eat at someplace fast since they had to be at work by 2:00 PM. My first choice was not open for lunch and my second choice was packed. We put our heads together and ended up at a pizza place. It was not the food but the company that made it a special event… Sparky took me out for dinner after he got off work at 5:00 PM. We couldn’t decide on a place since so many were packed with long lines and longer wait times. We ended up at my favorite sushi place (at least in town), East of Tokyo. It was wonderful as usual. I had the Golden Dragon roll made with salmon and tuna and mango slices on top with a mango sauce drizzle. I also had the Volcano Roll made with sweet potato which was very, very good. We couldn’t pass up the Bagel Roll which is smoked salmon and cream cheese – so yummy. So in proper Midwestern style I ate my way through Mother’s Day. It was also the homecoming of my in-laws. They very quickly sold their house in Sun City, AZ and now have come back to home base. This will mark the resumption of “Sunday Ice Cream and Puzzle Night.” It is always good to gather with the family and be reminded of the absolute normalcy of our lives while the rest of the world is embroiled in crazy. (Though we do have an occasional spot of excitement it has nothing to do with jail time, rioting, terrorism, abuse, drugs or politics.)