Looking Activated

My husband eats a very high fiber diet. He has a salad with nearly every meal. This is not a frou-frou salad but one of substance. His usual salad is comprised of the following (from highest content to least): kale, carrots, cabbage, cauliflower, celery, cucumber, arugula, garbanzo beans, pineapple or mandarin oranges, soy beans, sunflower seeds, peanuts, dried cranberries (or whole cranberry sauce), ground flax seed. Sometimes he adds almonds or pumpkin seeds if he is running low on sunflower seeds. In the summer he adds fresh cherry tomatoes. This is in addition to the copious amount of hummus he consumes on a daily basis. Lately he has been fixing a stir-fry composed of zucchini noodles, cabbage, pea pods, and shredded Brussels sprouts. He is one very dangerous man. There are times when I feel that I’ve wandered into a time portal and have been transported into a WWI battle where mustard gas has been deployed. Opening the bedroom door after he has fallen asleep is a very dangerous act. It is probably the reason the wall paper was so easy to remove from the bedroom walls!

So the other day as we were taking our evening constitutional, he stopped dead in his tracks and motioned for me to walk ahead. This is very out of character as he was raised that a gentleman walks with his lady placing himself as a physical barrier between her and any street traffic. I turned to ask why just as he unleashed the most vile and LOUD flatulence. I needed no further prompting to put distance between us. As he crop dusted behind me, I thought I saw a bird drop from the sky (but I was possibly mistaken – maybe). I mentioned, as he caught up to me, that it appeared that a green cloud had been released. He denied it. I continued that it sounded like a “hot” fart. Which he finally admitted that it had been a rather noxious expulsion of gases. He defended himself by saying he did eat like a bovine and it could be expected that every now and again he might release gas that was reminiscent of cow manure. I had to agree and mentioned that of late the aroma assailing my sensitive nose after entering our bedroom was most unpleasant. That was when he admitted that he felt it more appropriate to lift the covers and expel gas into the room instead of “trapping it under the covers”.

Our discussion then took a sharp turn. He accused me of the same transgression! I begged to differ. I mentioned that I perhaps did make a few small noises while asleep but they did not poison the atmosphere! He did acknowledge that generally speaking mine were all sound and no fury. But he did point out that I routinely broke wind when he awakened me in the morning. He called it my “activation noise”. At that point I couldn’t go any further because I was doubled over with laughter. And this is why we are still married – he activates me!!

36 thoughts on “Looking Activated

  1. Because of Keto, our diet has a bit of fiber as well, and yes, from time to time it unleashes a cloud of death, but we try to keep it confined to the bathroom. Oh, and the day you see me eat Kale is the day you need to look for the other three horseman of the apocalypse.

    Like

    1. Hehe!! Yeah I’m with you on the kale. I can (and have) torn up little bits for a soup that is okay but I only do it to appease Sparky and I can eat around them… As for the “cloud of death” that sounds pretty much lethal! On the bright side if the bathroom is wallpapered it should be easy to remove!!!

      Like

  2. Big smile over here. Since I have no ability to smell now it wouldn’t bother me. You could put a diffuser in the bed room. I have one I no longer use, glad I didn’t stock up on oils.

    Like

    1. Hehe! So thrilled that I’m not alone! Laughter is good – as long as you don’t laugh tooo hard!!! He would always blame the dog. Now that the dog has been gone for quite awhile there is no one left to take the fall for him!

      Liked by 1 person

  3. oh you totally cracked me up, sure my laughter was heard by the neighbours just as I was reading the ingredients I knew where this was leading!
    Sounds like a very stable marriage where each are allowed to be totally themselves with no recriminations … or just tiny ones!

    Like

    1. I’m very pleased you got a good laugh from this post! It is best to keep the neighbors guessing… We are happy together and we are able to overlook the bits about being human…

      Like

      1. … you know on further thought Val I do believe Sparky needs a less volatile diet. People are trying to stop meat eating coz of the methane gas cattle emit and Sparky is producing enough for a while herd!

        Best pray the climate changers don’t read this post and start a protest at your front gate …

        Like

        1. Haha! He already eats a plant based diet – if there are no cows and the plants are causing him to produce gas enough for a protest, he might just have to become a breatharian… It would cut down on grocery costs and cooking chores (even less dishes)!

          Like

          1. and think of all the weight he’d lose, there are advantages … plus he could document the process as the first one to try it πŸ™‚

            Pluses all round if you ask me!

            Like

  4. I thought I loved vegetables, but Sparky’s love of them is too far beyond mine to even contemplate. Do you guys have a garden or do the CSA thing? Here, you can get a weekly produce box for 1, 2, however many people in your family. Sparky could sign up for 10. Your diatribe on farts was hilarious. Our bedroom wallpaper needs to come down, so I’m going to request that my hubby not trap the “green clouds” under the covers. I used to say people fall into two categories, farts are funny, and farts are gross and shouldn’t be talked about. My besties are mostly in the first category. πŸ™‚

    Like

    1. Thanks for the kind words! We have the garden going so that will be good – he planted kale and arugula and we’ll have cherry tomatoes too. As for the other stuff – he gets it on discount at the grocery. Probably cheaper than the co-op produce boxes. Of course he switches it up every now and then. I’m very glad he has given up shredding raw beets – I have white cabinets and it was awful! He’s tried kohlrabi, jicama, bok choy, parsnips, and a variety of fruit but has settled on his current mix. It isn’t expensive (except for the arugula). I hope if you plan to strip the wallpaper you make him help!! We are happy farty people, I bet we’d have lots of fun!

      Liked by 1 person

    1. I’m glad you got a laugh!! Laughter helps relieve stress and we are all having a bit of stress right now. Of course if you have gas – a laughing fit might cause some toots!!

      Like

  5. That is so funny! Remember the days when we first met our future spouses, and would never dream of passing gas in front of them? Now, I swear, my husband rates them!

    Like

    1. Hahaha! Yup! I remember the first time I met my sister’s boyfriend (now husband). He was in the army. We were walking into a restaurant and he ripped a big one. I was shocked. He turned to me and stated very matter of factly, “I never apologize for normal body functions.” He just kept walking… Where as my husband would excuse himself from the table and walk as far away as possible before letting loose… I wish those days were back! (maybe) But this begs the question – how do you rate?

      Like

    1. Thanks Michel! I’m happy you were amused by this post! Ther eis nothing quite like a vine ripened tomato fresh from the garden and still warm from the sun!

      Like

    1. You are so welcome! Laughter can be a good outlet since the whole world is going through some serious and devastating times. I think the women found this a little more amusing than the men… they know they are guilty! hehe!

      Like

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s