Looking Activated

My husband eats a very high fiber diet. He has a salad with nearly every meal. This is not a frou-frou salad but one of substance. His usual salad is comprised of the following (from highest content to least): kale, carrots, cabbage, cauliflower, celery, cucumber, arugula, garbanzo beans, pineapple or mandarin oranges, soy beans, sunflower seeds, peanuts, dried cranberries (or whole cranberry sauce), ground flax seed. Sometimes he adds almonds or pumpkin seeds if he is running low on sunflower seeds. In the summer he adds fresh cherry tomatoes. This is in addition to the copious amount of hummus he consumes on a daily basis. Lately he has been fixing a stir-fry composed of zucchini noodles, cabbage, pea pods, and shredded Brussels sprouts. He is one very dangerous man. There are times when I feel that I’ve wandered into a time portal and have been transported into a WWI battle where mustard gas has been deployed. Opening the bedroom door after he has fallen asleep is a very dangerous act. It is probably the reason the wall paper was so easy to remove from the bedroom walls!

So the other day as we were taking our evening constitutional, he stopped dead in his tracks and motioned for me to walk ahead. This is very out of character as he was raised that a gentleman walks with his lady placing himself as a physical barrier between her and any street traffic. I turned to ask why just as he unleashed the most vile and LOUD flatulence. I needed no further prompting to put distance between us. As he crop dusted behind me, I thought I saw a bird drop from the sky (but I was possibly mistaken – maybe). I mentioned, as he caught up to me, that it appeared that a green cloud had been released. He denied it. I continued that it sounded like a “hot” fart. Which he finally admitted that it had been a rather noxious expulsion of gases. He defended himself by saying he did eat like a bovine and it could be expected that every now and again he might release gas that was reminiscent of cow manure. I had to agree and mentioned that of late the aroma assailing my sensitive nose after entering our bedroom was most unpleasant. That was when he admitted that he felt it more appropriate to lift the covers and expel gas into the room instead of “trapping it under the covers”.

Our discussion then took a sharp turn. He accused me of the same transgression! I begged to differ. I mentioned that I perhaps did make a few small noises while asleep but they did not poison the atmosphere! He did acknowledge that generally speaking mine were all sound and no fury. But he did point out that I routinely broke wind when he awakened me in the morning. He called it my “activation noise”. At that point I couldn’t go any further because I was doubled over with laughter. And this is why we are still married – he activates me!!