Looking at Becoming a Diamond

Your words
Pierce my heart
As you speak
All I hear are sirens
That slow high pitched
Wail that fades in and out
The sound of disaster
The sound of despair
The sound of heart break
The sound of howling dogs
The sound of my voice
Full throated ululation
Joining your keening
For what was
For what is
For what will be

There are times when I feel like the finger of God is pushing down and trapping me beneath the weight of all things. I know in my mind that diamonds are produced when carbon, a common and ugly substance, is put under extreme pressure. The pressure so great that it rearranges the inherent structure of the substance. I do not want to be a diamond. None of us want to be reshaped by events outside our control. Yet it happens all the time. I have had such sad news. News I am not at liberty to divulge. Only that it strikes such sorrow and helplessness into my heart and mind that I am bereft of action. I am at a loss at this blow. I want to shake my fist at God and demand that this unfair treatment stop. I want to scream and blame and have a little tantrum. Terrible things happen but they are generally spaced such that you can recover physically and emotionally and even spiritually. But not lately. There has been an avalanche of catastrophe heaped upon someone close to me. At present all I’m capable of doing is joining my voice to the sound of the sirens.

54 thoughts on “Looking at Becoming a Diamond

  1. I’m so sorry for the troubles of your person. It’s difficult to watch someone you love going through terrible things, especially when you feel like you cannot tangibly help. Your support does help lighten the burden.

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  2. I can hear and feel your pain … guessing it’s a son as your wail sounds like the deep anguish of a mother! Please don’t confirm or deny … whoever it is will know your love and support.

    Often trials are sent to test us … those close as well as the one targeted. You can’t take their misery away but your love and support will buoy all those involved.

    My prayers and thoughts are with you all during this time!

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      1. I have learned to think of grief as just another emotion, on the same level as happy and frustrated. Being a career soldier, I have had to experience a lot of grief…of the worst kind. The kind that goes beyond what one should have to endure in a lifetime…so I understand the pain, which is compounded by a sense of helplessness. My poem was just trying to get a little laugh where, frankly, a little laugh is out of place.

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  3. Your heartbreak comes through loud and clear in this poem. Having to keep sad news to yourself no doubt makes it harder to bear. We’re with you, Muri. Sending hugs to you and prayers for whoever is in trouble–God will know who they are. 🙂

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    1. Thanks Joan. I’ll pass on the hugs and the prayers are very much appreciated. I would divulge the reasons but they are not mine to say. I respect the privacy and yet need to express the sorrow and unfairness of the situation. My default coping is either poetry or cleaning – this time it is both.

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    1. Thanks Bonnie. I wish I had the power to alter time and change outcomes but that is not my super power. There is so much hurt in this life that we will experience at some point or another. This is that point…

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    1. Thanks cupcake! I am doing fine but others are in a kind of distress that I can’t do anything about. I’m hoping that I will be able to pass on all the hugs and kindnesses that everyone is sending to me…

      Liked by 1 person

  4. Sometimes I look back on my life and think, “How in hell did I live through THAT?” The upshot of that is, well, I don’t know. I’m still here, the Big Empty is here, I can still write and paint, I have some friends. Every moment that’s NOT excruciating is won from the sea of anguish that’s always there, capable of surging. All that just to say that I am very sorry you’re in the surge right now and I hope better times are not far away, though you might not see them on the horizon (yet). ❤

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    1. Thanks Martha. I’m distressed at the distress of others. I feel that I’m on the boat and they are swimming in shark infested waters in the midst of a tsunami and I can’t find a rope. I don’t have a life boat, there are no life vests and I can’t even find a harpoon to toss to them. It is just that bad. I know that I’ll survive and they will too – even if I have to jump in and punch a shark on the nose.

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  5. Dearest Val, I am holding you to my heart and feeling the ache and agony your words have spewed here. Your elegance of words despite the sorrow in them, pierces my heart. I pray that there will be Patience which the same God can give, while He has given you the sorrow which has left you sore in your spirit. Love and hugs to you.

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    1. Thanks Zakiah. I know that your prayers are heard – from your lips to God’s ear. I am sad. My distress is a pale reflection of the agony of my friend and their family. I believe that God is good and that we will survive in body – I’m hoping and praying that the spirit will not be broken during this tribulation.

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  6. Sometimes the pain of another is harder to bear than one’s own. You would almost take it for your own if you could lighten the load for the one you love. All will be well and all will be well, inshallah.

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  7. I am praying. I think I know who the poem is for, as your friend asked Old Hat to pray for her family on FB. Such a hard thing! My heart hurts for all of you. Do let me know the outcome if you can.

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