It dawned on me that on my mother’s side of the family, she is the only one standing between me and becoming the oldest surviving member of the family! That is a heavy responsibility. I had mentioned this to a friend who nodded in understanding. Seems when her mother died, the family fractured. No one organized holiday celebrations. There were no more family reunions. No effort was put into staying in contact with Aunts and Uncles and the cousins were flung far and wide.
On my father’s side I am the 3rd in line as I have 2 older cousins. Sadly we are somewhat distanced, even though three of the four have relocated back to their hometown (which is where Sparky and I have lived since 1991). The eldest is living in Israel. The time zone, her Orthodoxy, and the cultural differences create an almost insurmountable barrier to family get togethers. It has been about 7 years since I last saw her in person. It was a treat to get to watch a video of her being interviewed on Around the Shabbos Table (the Intentional Jew network).
The other 3 cousins in town are busy with their own lives. The 2nd oldest retired from the USPS and is very involved with being a grandparent. The cousin my age had been living in Texas, came back, went back to Texas, and then returned again. I’m not sure what she is up to as she has not spoken to me and I have no idea why. The youngest cousin was a flight attendant for many years based out of Dallas, TX. After he retired he moved back but soon took a job in Chicago. Now he’s back in town too. I ran into him at the grocery just before the pandemic. Of course with the restrictions I haven’t seen any of them.
My mother was an only child therefore I had no first cousins on that side. My father had only a sister (and she was his twin) so I have only 4 first cousins in total. Sparky’s mom was one of 8. He and his 5 siblings have so many cousins that he literally doesn’t know all their names! I guess what I’m talking about is connectedness. There are these thin silvery lines made of spider silk memories that connect families. The remembrances keep the family together. I worry that my sons and their cousins may not have the stories and experiences to bind their histories to each other or to the larger family…
A Different Perspective 
The continuation of family gatherings depends entirely upon the peoples involved. Some want connection. Some don’t. And of course there’s the picking and the choosing of who gets to be connected.
I haven’t seen or spoken to any cousins except at some funerals, but the connections were slight before that too. Whereas, I think most of them like my brother. Go figure.
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You can choose your friends but not your family. I suppose there are always a few in the family that you gravitate toward more than others. But in our family we like everyone… it is just hard with all the kids being so far flung to gather everyone!
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On my dad’s side changes started after my dad died. One uncle got a divorce a year later and he was the uncle I much loved. After the divorce he moved away and I have seen him twice in 16 years. My other uncle is a complete jerk and I want nothing to do with. When grandma died it felt like the end of that side of the family.
My mom’s side we are very involved with her siblings and her cousins on her dad’s side. We have a big get together for Christmas. We interact throughout the year. When my great Aunt dies we will still get together. One of my second cousins and I are close. She likes to go camping with us.
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How nice that you have such a close friendship with your cousin! Having the big get togethers for holidays is one of the ways to stay in touch…
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Yes.
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🙂
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Well moi Tee Souris, my immediate family is all played out with the death of my sister last year. But there are many of their children around, and while some are still close, others are just not attentive. Thanks to my place almost being a “magnet” to them, as a place to stop and relax, I do have them dropping in at times. However a few dropped out due to politics, and some due to the fact that they thought I was rich enough to give them something and got angry when they found out that I could not (or would not). Others are hiding due to their past.
But all in all my Facebook keeps me in touch with those that are worth it, and my Blog is watched, though little is heard from them, maybe that “LIKE” thing serves one purpose, in letting us know that “someone” has “looked”, though I sometime think that some may be fake “auto like” apps.
However folks like you’ll make up for it in like interest and become pseudo family to add to all of my close friends and descendants, who are still valued by me~!
You may notice that I keep my “friends list” rather short. Always under 80 on Facebook, (which is where I have “family” listed), and even less on my blog, dropping one when a more interesting one is found, as I limit myself to those those who are compatible in mind, thought, or interest and compatibility. Not that I do not want to hear from them, but rather I feel that many people use this as a meaningless EGO body count rather than true friendship and like interest. Thanks for you and Sparky for being my friends, but mostly those many rocking chairs lie empty on my porch, though I do have many close friends and family left. When you loose your mate, you also loose some of their close friends after the waning memory cools.
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Yes SAM, the community that I’ve found on Xanga and now on WP are now dear to me. My very best friend is someone I met through my blog. I am so very thankful that I took the chance to start a blog and now we visit regularly! I often feel as if my WP friends know me more thoroughly than some of my friends who don’t read my blog. Even my mother says that she knows me better since reading my blog… As for the family extended who visit with their hands out – I’m so sorry to hear that. I haven’t had that experience – probably because they know better! I do so enjoy your posts (and I think that politically we are very much alike!). Perhaps some day we can meet should we again travel west…
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I don’t know how I feel about this issue yet, because I’ve been rethinking it several times. First, I found a better intimacy in Zoom meetings than in crowded family gathers. With the stress of being hostess/host removed, we all relax better and get portrait screen shots we might never have gotten at a party when we got together for a group Zoom on Thanksgiving last year. I miss real hugs, and am eagerly anticipating collecting a few when the gathers begin again.
Do the young folks really care about family lore? Not so much in my family. I’ve never been asked for any, though I have volunteered some tidbits here and there. They are busy building their own stories, or working out the knots in their predicaments. I think that’s why families stop gathering after the older folks pass away. There’s no interest or drive for it. I’m not saying that’s even wrong. Some of us just want to be grandparents with our core families more than gathered under someone else’s “extended” gather. It’s less stressful, and more intimate.
Maybe my family connections are unique in that respect, but I don’t think so.
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My mother is a genealogist so we have lots and lots of family history and have heard the stories over and over! It is a wonderful thing. I didn’t appreciate it fully until I got a little older and that is repeated with the younger generations. They will reach a point where they will want to know their background. Then they will be so grateful for the books published and the stories recorded. A friend did recordings of his mother talking about her life growing up and the stories of her family. When dementia took away her memories, he was able to play the recordings for her and she would briefly remember… Now they have recordings in her voice. Each family is different but eventually we all want to know where we came from and what our family history is. That’s why so many adopted children search out their birth parents – they want to know.
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Val, my parents had more than 3 siblings each and each sibling had at least 3 kids and, so we grew up with a lot of cousins. But now we hardly meet except at weddings or deaths as we hardly have time to meet our own siblings!
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Punam that’s not an unusual situation. I’m lucky that Sparky’s parents and siblings mostly live in town and we get together every Sunday night for ice cream. Still it is difficult to get all the cousins together – only 5 of 12 live in the state and of those only 3 live in town. They all have their busy lives filled with careers and children. Really we only see them all at Christmas or Easter!
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Indeed, same situation every where!
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Sadly it is more often funerals than weddings!
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It is interesting, isn’t it, watching the ebb and flow of all of it.
And learning to be at peace, with the presence and the absence, within and without. 💜
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Yes Kim that is the key – being at peace with whatever will be. I enjoy when we are all present but don’t bemoan when there are missing faces. I am lucky that I like my family and Sparky’s family too. My son once visited his friend’s family on the holidays and returned home with a greater appreciation of our family – he said we were kind to each other which was something he took for granted until he discovered that not everyone else’s families were like that!
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I am a stepmom and my husband’s children were teenagers and one was ready to leave the roost when we married. Now I am grandmother…I was a young one at 40! I have brothers, cousins, and sometimes we make time to see one another. Nothing is ever easy but we stay in touch.
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Being in touch and making time to connect is never time wasted… hope you enjoy your family’s visit!
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We are! Thanks.
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🙂
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I have 32 first cousins, then their spouses and children with many fond shared memories in our younger years … but as we age we took off in various directions both geographically and emotionally.
You too will one day be totally engrossed in the grandparent role … it often feels like I lose a friend. Our conversation returns to photos and bragging about the kid but I rejoice in their joy 🙂
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That would be a dream fulfilled but at present it does not seem likely that I will ever be a grandparent… (neither son is even dating and at 34 & 33 – soon to be 35 & 34) the prospects are dimming! I guess that means we can continue to be friend and I’m not going to be pulling out any kid photos! The best we can hope for is a “grand dog”!
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aha you never know it might happen when you least expect it! I stay friends with them but it’s just like they hit a twilight zone 🙂
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Hope springs eternal… You never know, they could really surprise me!
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I hope so 🙂
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I am the youngest of the cousins all around, so I am way down the list. I actually have an aunt who is still alive – my father’s sister. My one cousin just turned 70 and it’s hard for me to grasp that. I looked up to my cousins so much growing up and now they’re retiring.
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Yes it is very hard to believe that now I’m “the older generation”! I hope that my sons stay in touch with their cousins as they will appreciate the family connections the older they get! We are suggesting that my son#1 have his cousin (#6 of 6) move into his house – as a stepping stone as he still lives with his parents (he’s 26)…
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“thin silvery lines made of spider silk memories that connect families.” what an elegant statement Val!
So profound and thought provoking! You always delight me with the nuance of sensitivity and eloquence!
Thank you.
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Dear Zakiah you say the nicest things! I’m tickled that you liked that line – Thanks tons!!
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When I have a family reunion, I show up. I loved my family. The cousins I have and hear from, I love them, too, but I doubt I’ll ever see them again. One sad personal event of Covid for me was that when things were opening up and people were reuniting with their family, I couldn’t because they’re all dead. I know that sounds strange, but I felt it. People make a big deal out of family, and I have traced part of my family back to the 10th century more-or-less accidentally, but when. I understood the reality of my personal situation (and I’m not alone in this situation, I know) I realized that I had to be grateful for what I had had that was good, come to grips with what wasn’t, and find other “family.” I also learned that God did a good thing for me making me independent. I guess He knew.
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Our friends (Sparky’s childhood Bestie and his wife) are childless and as they get older it is apparent that they will eventually be alone. They have made arrangements for that eventuality but it is still hard. I come from a long line of women who outlived their husbands and I think I would be okay… Somehow I lucked out (yet again) marrying a man who comes from long lived men!
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I am now a bit distant to both sides of the family as i don’t live in our hometown anymore…the usual hi hello over social media happens though but the distance is really making it hard to reconnect.
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Distance and the pandemic both have made the connecting more difficult. I hope you can cultivate those family ties…
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My Mom is the last one standing, on her side of the family. Three of Dad’s sisters are all that remain of his brood. My three surviving siblings are approachable, but live far from one another-with me living furthest away of all. I guess that’s why I insist on driving back and forth-somehow the road connects us more strongly than the airways.
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Yes. There has to be an intentional connection, especially when there is physical distance. It becomes important to bridge the gap….
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