Looking at Spiders

Life is a cycle of self deception
We play god spinning webs of truth and lies
We pick and choose the depth of affection
Though still idiots we call ourselves wise
Life is an illusion of permanence
Defy fate take risks see the spider’s trap
Slide from one phase and another commence
Until the silken threads completely wrap
Spider’s web innately impermanent
Caught therein resistance is futile
Delusion of control is transient
When death comes dancing on eight legs brutal
We cannot escape the all-seeing eyes
Cannot evade destiny as hope dies

The above is a sonnet (of sorts) in that it is 14 lines with a rhyme scheme of ababcdcdefefgg but I fudged on the iambic pentameter because I was feeling rebellious.

Tomorrow is the first anniversary of my mother’s death. I have been trying not to dwell on the feelings of loss and instead think about all the happy times and the funny moments. As you can probably tell by the above poem, I’m not too successful in that endeavor. In bed after a very busy Thanksgiving, sleep evaded me and my mind continued to spin. I mused on the transience of life and the way we try to convince ourselves that we have a modicum of control. That uncertainty that is inherent in living has made me sleepless.  What I do know is that I’m less and less certain on many levels.

54 thoughts on “Looking at Spiders

    1. Thanks Ken. I’m trying not to dwell on the sad parts and I’m stretching toward the happy memories. We are still celebrating Thanksgiving today and will be gathering with the extended family on Sparky’s side. I’m guessing I’ll be too busy to feel sad. But it isn’t the day time that is difficult but rather when I lay down and am quiet. My subconscious likes to take over the dreams and the sorrow seeps in….

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    1. Yes. I know my case is not unique and I am prepared to still see the day after Thanksgiving as one of sadness. Even though I still have somber thoughts on the day after Independence day (When I lost my dad) it isn’t quite as sharp. This is a hard one but I know I’ll get through it and every year after too. I never expect the loss to be forgotten and you confirm that it will remain for the rest of my life…

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  1. Sending love and hugs on this first anniversary of your mum’s death. These are intense times for you and there is no shortcut to grief. It goes deep, through and through, and will always be a part of you, just like your mum will always be a part of you. Love continues after death. Enjoy the memories of good times, laugh at your old jokes only you and your mum got. Bask in gratitude. We never truly control any of the major things. We just sometimes think we do.

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    1. Thanks much Britta! I am making peace with my grief. I know the control is an illusion (but it does make me feel a little braver at least in the daytime). I’m looking forward to talking to my sisters and telling the stories – some funny, some hilarious, and a few that will make us cry…

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  2. We are dreading tomorrow here. I am thankful Wrangler has to work today and tomorrow to distract him. Others in the family started drink after work on Wednesday and don’t plan to stop until Sunday night.

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    1. Yes, Wrangler’s grandfather and my mother share a sad anniversary. I have never used alcohol as a crutch to deny grief – it isn’t very helpful and only makes any situation worse. I hope you can give Wrangler the distraction he needs and a safe space to feel all the emotions. Take care of yourself too as I know you were very grief stricken too. ((Hugs))

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      1. I gave him something to complain about which distracted him. The house and outside is decorated for Christmas. His first words were I see you are trashing up my yard. And when he saw the house he said that he did not realize we had so much Christmas stuff. It has been two years since I fully decorated. And the pile of presents which are already wrapped with ribbon. Today the tree goes up while he works.

        I hope today is the best day possible for you. You have been in my prayers this week.

        I have had tough moments this week. But I have kept busy which distracts me. But overall I try to think of the good memories and won’t let myself think of the last days and going to the hospital to say goodbye.

        Our plan for this weekend did not include alcohol. We plan to keep busy and try not to think of it to much.

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        1. Haha! Andy you are a genius! I can just imagine Wrangler grumping about Christmas decorations!! Good to know you are both doing okay and there is no alcoholic crutch deployed!! I’m dwelling on the happy stuff too.

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          1. He came home from in the dark last night and did not see the extent of the outdoor decorations. He was grumbling about that and why we did not get a real tree since we were not trucking this year.

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            1. Hehe! I think a real tree would be nice. BUT after many years of having a real tree and dealing with the mess and expense, we bought a really good artificial tree. We paid ~$80 on an after Christmas close out. We priced real trees last year and for a cheap tiny tree it was running $50. This year the prices have gone up! They were selling wreaths for $45 (we didn’t buy one)!

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                    1. And one reason we went with the artificial tree. The other being we replaced the carpet and even after 7 years since having a real tree, we found pine needles!

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                    2. That is always a consideration! I gave my in-laws my mother’s tree – it opens like an umbrella! they love it as it is easier to put up and of course take down!!

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                    3. My in-laws’ tree had a 2 piece pole with a bajillion branches all labeled a through m that fit into specific holes in the pole. It took forever to put up and take down. And with their eyesight not what it used to be they required assistance. This year they have the umbrella tree so it will be something they can do all by themselves!

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  3. I can understand that Muri. Easy to keep busy during the day and distract yourself from the grief and loss. But at nighttime that’s when the painful thoughts start up. Mind yourself! 🤗🙏

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    1. Thanks Michel. It has cast a grey shadow on the festivities that I’ve held at bay during the day but it gets harder to do at night… I think having a call with my sisters and maybe a good cry tomorrow will make things better!

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      1. The natural rhythm of English is iambic pentameter. You don’t really have to stress it all that much. And sonnets? There’s nothing special about them. I write them because I like to, and they’re good discipline for me in terms of word usage. 🙂

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  4. I’m sorry, Val — it’s a sad anniversary, and the first one is always the toughest. Know that time will make it easier — but every once in a while it will all come back. I find that 12 years later, I am just now wanting to discuss issues, or ask an opinion, etc . Let the tears come as they wish, without dwelling on them, and people will understand.

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  5. Independent of the grief we perseverate over in the wee hours, I think there’s something about the post-menopausal mind that can’t shut down quite normally. (I’ve read that progesterone is integral.) We can’t sleep the sleep of the dead we took for granted as youngsters. I often resort to moving to the couch (so I don’t disturb my mate) and playing an audible book, one that’s not too interesting, to lure my brain away from its disturbing loops.

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    1. Judy I usually sleep like a log. I can easily fall asleep and stay asleep (until the bladder alarm goes off). When it happens (insomnia) I usually try to do something productive… So poetry it was! After awhile I usually have poured it out and my mind quiets. Last night was a little different. It is hard to type when you can’t see clearly through the tears.

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  6. Those pesky anniversaries remind us of our own impermanence-at least physically. We are, though, eternal spirits-the one thing that comforts me, in times of loss-whether impending, or accompli.

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