Life is a cycle of self deception
We play god spinning webs of truth and lies
We pick and choose the depth of affection
Though still idiots we call ourselves wise
Life is an illusion of permanence
Defy fate take risks see the spider’s trap
Slide from one phase and another commence
Until the silken threads completely wrap
Spider’s web innately impermanent
Caught therein resistance is futile
Delusion of control is transient
When death comes dancing on eight legs brutal
We cannot escape the all-seeing eyes
Cannot evade destiny as hope dies
The above is a sonnet (of sorts) in that it is 14 lines with a rhyme scheme of ababcdcdefefgg but I fudged on the iambic pentameter because I was feeling rebellious.
Tomorrow is the first anniversary of my mother’s death. I have been trying not to dwell on the feelings of loss and instead think about all the happy times and the funny moments. As you can probably tell by the above poem, I’m not too successful in that endeavor. In bed after a very busy Thanksgiving, sleep evaded me and my mind continued to spin. I mused on the transience of life and the way we try to convince ourselves that we have a modicum of control. That uncertainty that is inherent in living has made me sleepless. What I do know is that I’m less and less certain on many levels.
A Different Perspective 
It’s a hard time, hope you find comfort with happy memories ❤
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Thanks AJ. I will be doing a conference call with my sisters and I hope we can laugh a little.
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That will be good for you both ❤
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❤ ❤
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Anniversaries are tough Muri, of that I’m sure! 👍😊 All I can say is be kind to yourself and allow yourself to feel whatever you feel! 🤗
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Thanks Ken. I’m trying not to dwell on the sad parts and I’m stretching toward the happy memories. We are still celebrating Thanksgiving today and will be gathering with the extended family on Sparky’s side. I’m guessing I’ll be too busy to feel sad. But it isn’t the day time that is difficult but rather when I lay down and am quiet. My subconscious likes to take over the dreams and the sorrow seeps in….
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It is only days since the 47th anniversary of the passing of my Mum and I still have those feelings you have described. Wrap yourself in all those memories and be kind to yourself, Muri. Sending hugs.
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Yes. I know my case is not unique and I am prepared to still see the day after Thanksgiving as one of sadness. Even though I still have somber thoughts on the day after Independence day (When I lost my dad) it isn’t quite as sharp. This is a hard one but I know I’ll get through it and every year after too. I never expect the loss to be forgotten and you confirm that it will remain for the rest of my life…
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Those night thoughts spin their own spiraling nets. And those losses never go away–they just ebb and flow. Sending hugs as well (K)
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That is it exactly – like tides at night where we have no control to push them away as they try to pull us into deeper water! Thanks for the hugs – I’ll take as many as the universe can spare!
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Sending love and hugs on this first anniversary of your mum’s death. These are intense times for you and there is no shortcut to grief. It goes deep, through and through, and will always be a part of you, just like your mum will always be a part of you. Love continues after death. Enjoy the memories of good times, laugh at your old jokes only you and your mum got. Bask in gratitude. We never truly control any of the major things. We just sometimes think we do.
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Thanks much Britta! I am making peace with my grief. I know the control is an illusion (but it does make me feel a little braver at least in the daytime). I’m looking forward to talking to my sisters and telling the stories – some funny, some hilarious, and a few that will make us cry…
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We are dreading tomorrow here. I am thankful Wrangler has to work today and tomorrow to distract him. Others in the family started drink after work on Wednesday and don’t plan to stop until Sunday night.
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Yes, Wrangler’s grandfather and my mother share a sad anniversary. I have never used alcohol as a crutch to deny grief – it isn’t very helpful and only makes any situation worse. I hope you can give Wrangler the distraction he needs and a safe space to feel all the emotions. Take care of yourself too as I know you were very grief stricken too. ((Hugs))
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I gave him something to complain about which distracted him. The house and outside is decorated for Christmas. His first words were I see you are trashing up my yard. And when he saw the house he said that he did not realize we had so much Christmas stuff. It has been two years since I fully decorated. And the pile of presents which are already wrapped with ribbon. Today the tree goes up while he works.
I hope today is the best day possible for you. You have been in my prayers this week.
I have had tough moments this week. But I have kept busy which distracts me. But overall I try to think of the good memories and won’t let myself think of the last days and going to the hospital to say goodbye.
Our plan for this weekend did not include alcohol. We plan to keep busy and try not to think of it to much.
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Haha! Andy you are a genius! I can just imagine Wrangler grumping about Christmas decorations!! Good to know you are both doing okay and there is no alcoholic crutch deployed!! I’m dwelling on the happy stuff too.
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He came home from in the dark last night and did not see the extent of the outdoor decorations. He was grumbling about that and why we did not get a real tree since we were not trucking this year.
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Hehe! I think a real tree would be nice. BUT after many years of having a real tree and dealing with the mess and expense, we bought a really good artificial tree. We paid ~$80 on an after Christmas close out. We priced real trees last year and for a cheap tiny tree it was running $50. This year the prices have gone up! They were selling wreaths for $45 (we didn’t buy one)!
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We bought a nice artificial one last year. Which is our second. Where we live their are very few live trees for sale. And they are expensive.
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Yes – the live tree sales are very expensive. There is a tree farm not far from us – cut your own but the cost is $10 per foot!
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Wow that is expensive.
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And one reason we went with the artificial tree. The other being we replaced the carpet and even after 7 years since having a real tree, we found pine needles!
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Wow that is crazy. They shed a bunch for sure. And I worry about fire with real trees.
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Yep a real tree will go up in seconds… we always used a borax solution to water the tree. https://www.ehow.com/how_4530170_using-borax-cut-christmas-tree.html
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I have my fake one up and am happy with it. Less mess. My new one assembles about an hour faster
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That is always a consideration! I gave my in-laws my mother’s tree – it opens like an umbrella! they love it as it is easier to put up and of course take down!!
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Mine is a three easy peice tree. Makes it so much faster.
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My in-laws’ tree had a 2 piece pole with a bajillion branches all labeled a through m that fit into specific holes in the pole. It took forever to put up and take down. And with their eyesight not what it used to be they required assistance. This year they have the umbrella tree so it will be something they can do all by themselves!
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Wonderful.
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Thanks!
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I can understand that Muri. Easy to keep busy during the day and distract yourself from the grief and loss. But at nighttime that’s when the painful thoughts start up. Mind yourself! 🤗🙏
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Yes it is true that evenings are the most difficult. I have more quiet time at night… I’m taking care of my self emotionally and Sparky is a big support (which is such a wonderful thing)!
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Your poem , Val, expresses well your distress on the day of the anniversary of the death of your mother. This is quite understandable.
Love ❤
Michel
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Thanks Michel. It has cast a grey shadow on the festivities that I’ve held at bay during the day but it gets harder to do at night… I think having a call with my sisters and maybe a good cry tomorrow will make things better!
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Very nice sonnet, the content? Sad but true. ❤️
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Thanks Martha! I don’t write sonnets as often as I should. Maybe with more practice they’d flow better and I’d get the meter right! It was a sad sonnet but it needed to come out!
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The natural rhythm of English is iambic pentameter. You don’t really have to stress it all that much. And sonnets? There’s nothing special about them. I write them because I like to, and they’re good discipline for me in terms of word usage. 🙂
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Yes it is a natural rhythm but I can’t really keep the beat – I think I’ve got more a jazz beat going on in my head! hehehe!
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I’m sorry, Val — it’s a sad anniversary, and the first one is always the toughest. Know that time will make it easier — but every once in a while it will all come back. I find that 12 years later, I am just now wanting to discuss issues, or ask an opinion, etc . Let the tears come as they wish, without dwelling on them, and people will understand.
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Thanks Janet. They came last night and it was a tsunami. I was unprepared even though I had braced myself. I was swept away… Today is a brighter day but it was all just too much.
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That will help — and tomorrow is another day. xoxo
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Thanks Janet! ❤
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Independent of the grief we perseverate over in the wee hours, I think there’s something about the post-menopausal mind that can’t shut down quite normally. (I’ve read that progesterone is integral.) We can’t sleep the sleep of the dead we took for granted as youngsters. I often resort to moving to the couch (so I don’t disturb my mate) and playing an audible book, one that’s not too interesting, to lure my brain away from its disturbing loops.
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Judy I usually sleep like a log. I can easily fall asleep and stay asleep (until the bladder alarm goes off). When it happens (insomnia) I usually try to do something productive… So poetry it was! After awhile I usually have poured it out and my mind quiets. Last night was a little different. It is hard to type when you can’t see clearly through the tears.
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Those pesky anniversaries remind us of our own impermanence-at least physically. We are, though, eternal spirits-the one thing that comforts me, in times of loss-whether impending, or accompli.
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Yes! That is what I end up focusing on – that and the love and hope for reunion eventually!
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I’m glad. 🤗😊 We’d be lost without our loved ones.
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Thanks Ken. To be surrounded by love makes so many things bearable!
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I hope you found comfort in the memories.
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Thanks Elizabeth! Yes, I did find some peace in remembering my mother. It is hard but life moves on whether we are ready or not.
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True…and our hearts and memories often stay in one place. You are in my prayers.
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And you in mine! We all have sorrows and troubles but there is hope! ❤
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Indeed ❤️
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❤ Have a Blessed Christmas!!
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